A Royal Affair

3 Paws
Seen recently at the Dundee Theatre (still musty, still awaiting its promised renovation)

This one's got everything you could ever want in a period drama - killer costumes, compelling characters and smoldering passions, plus a little insanity thrown in for good measure.

I never paid a whole lot of attention to the Age of Enlightenment when I was in school, but it must have been one wacky time, particularly if you were on the throne. Mads Mikkelsen, the physician hired to "manage" the mad king, pulls you in with his other-worldly appearance and then smacks you upside the head with his acting chops. He alone is worth the ticket price. But it's Mikkel Boe Folsgaard's performance as the mentally unbalanced Christian VII that gives the film its depth - I went from despising him to understanding him in 137 minutes.

It's nominated for Best Foreign Language Film of the Year, and it's worth the subtitles.

Bonus Bones: 5
This one has a royal dog, the much-beloved pet of the troubled king (it's easier for some of us to relate to animals as opposed to humans), as well as a few others that appear in crowd shots.

Zero Dark Thirty

2 Paws
Seen recently at Aksarben Cinema

I intended to stay away because of the torture scenes. Then I was seduced by the real-world headlines surrounding the film's opening as well as the Oscar buzz. The final analysis? I could have lived without seeing this one on the big screen.

The bright spots - if there is any light in such a dark undertaking - are the performance of Jason Clarke as Dan, the magnetic administrator of torture in the film's opening sequences, and the seemingly real camaraderie of the Navy S.E.A.L. team that carries out the raid on (and eventual capture of) Osama bin Laden. 

It would be nice if this were all make believe.

Bonus Bones: 2
It was pretty dark, but I think I saw one street dog and one four-legged member of the Navy S.E.A.L. team.

A Late Quartet

2 Paws
Seen recently at Film Streams

This one has some really great moments that just don't add up to a satisfying whole. The bright spots - a stripped down Christopher Walken puts in some Oscar worthy screen time as a cellist facing the end of his celebrated career, the tonier parts of NYC have never looked more beautiful under a winter sky, and Mark Ivanir is intense as the quartet's first violinist, former love interest of the quartet's violist and (spoiler alert) current love interest of the daughter of the quartet's violist and second violinist (aaaaah, the intrigue).

My biggest gripe - I had a hard time relating to the cerebral, artistic world the quartet inhabits, and the coldness of the violist (Catherine Keener, whom I love) and the second violinist (Philip Seymour Hoffman, whom I love even more) didn't help matters much. Can't you be both a world-class musician and a person you'd want to hang out with?

Bonus Bones: 0
I guess music is everything to these people.

Django Unchained

2 Paws

Seen recently at Aksarben Cinema

My dad loved Westerns. I remember watching the "How the West Was Won" television mini-series with him when I was in high school. There's just something magical about the genre - the stark beauty of the landscape, the sheer determination of simple folk to do what it takes to get through the day, the absolute rightness and wrongness of the time.

There's a little bit of all of that in Django Unchained, plus a whole lot of blood geisers, bad hair and rotten teeth. Jamie Foxx makes one badass slave-turned-bounty hunter who's on a mission to save his wife, and I'd kill for his green corduroy jacket (think Little Joe from "Bonanza"). But you never get to know him, which is a mistake - as is cutting his hair when he earns his freedom. The other bright spots in the long and rather ho-hum execution of the plot - Christoph Waltz's turn as Django's mentor and the cameos from a number of good ole' boys.

Bonus Bones: -2

The pair of killer dogs in this one are pure evil - way to set the dog world back, Quentin.

Silver Linings Playbook

3 Paws

Seen recently at Aksarben Cinema

Let's get right to it - this is the best film I saw in 2012.

Okay, so I have more than a passing interest in mental illness. And I like movies that don't require earplugs or funny glasses. And I'm a sucker for a happy ending. But even if you set all of that aside, I dare you to sit through this one and not feel better leaving the theatre than when you entered it.

It's surprising. It's funny. It's full of flawed characters. It makes your throat tighten and your eyes wet. It has an amazing ensemble cast (Robert De Niro will tear your heart out during the bedside scene, Bradley Cooper is almost unrecognizable as the struggling Pat and the 22-year-old Jennifer Lawrence must have an old soul). It even makes a Giants fan (me) root for the Eagles (at least temporarily).

It doesn't pretend to have all the answers, but sometimes, just trying your very best is enough.

Bonus Bones: 3

I think I counted three dogs in the trick or treat/running scene.

Skyfall

2 Paws

Seen recently at Aksarben Cinema

Aren't all James Bond movies the same?

It doesn't seem to matter which one I'm watching - I'm just not that interested in keeping up with the action. I finally started paying attention when the characters in this version reach Skyfall, the brooding Scottish estate that once served as the boyhood home of James Bond (it's near the tail end of the movie, mind you).

I will give Eve (Naomie Harris) big points for style and killer hair, and there are worse things to look at on screen than Daniel Craig, although I think I could pick him up and carry him around in my pocket. There's also a nice Bondian twist at the end, but my tent will be forever pitched in Sean Connery's camp.

Oh, and someone ought to let the British Secret Service know that Voldemort has infiltrated its ranks.

Bonus Bones: 2

One for each hunting dog on the Skyfall estate.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

2 Paws
Seen recently at Aksarben Cinema

Too much Orc, not enough charm.

I'm not obsessed with J.R.R. Tolkien's tales of fantasy, but I did manage to read The Hobbit and rather enjoyed it. Peter Jackson's take on the classic - at least the first installment of it - is a bit of a yawner. I've never been a fan of slimy, brutish creatures with bad teeth and even worse manners, and their antics dominated the action.

Martin Freeman makes a charming Bilbo Baggins, and there's a searing fierceness in Richard Armitage's Thorin Oakenshield, the exiled Dwarf king. But neither gets much of a chance to endear themselves to the audience, which is the best part of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I also prefer Gandalf the White to Gandalf the Grey, at least in terms of his fashion sense. Maybe the second one will be better.

Bonus Bones: 0
I guess there were no dogs in Middle-earth.